Declutter to Free Your Soul
You’re stressed. Your life is filled with chaos. Whether you are busy getting the kids to school, or blacking out and waking up in a field with torn clothes and the smell of blood on your teeth, you have complications in life to manage. So, why add to your chaos with clutter?
Take a breath, remove those ski boots that no longer fit you from the couch...the broken goggles, too... come on, get them out of there. Okay, good. Now you can sit back, relax, and open your mind to the liberating idea of a clutter-free life.
We recommend the following small steps you can take to declutter your life, and finally make your home worth the stress of feeling obligated to bend to the wishes of your in-laws just because they bought you a house.
1) Throw Out Anything You Don’t Need
Do you have old cans laying around? What about leather straps? You don’t need them. Throw them away.
How about bowls of half-eaten cereal? Or rows and rows of categorized and alphabetized junk mail? Toss them.
What about broken dolls you found in the nearby field? We’ve all been there. It may seem like you could use those dolls some day, but trust me from experience -- when you need the doll, you will toss around the hundreds of broken doll parts you have hidden in that one closet, and somehow find you don’t have the exact doll you need for your specific broken doll scenario, and you will have to go outside and find a different one.
2) Tidy Up as You Go
Whether you’re chopping up zucchini and summer squash for a salad, or the fingers of children who tried to leave a fundraiser flyer on your doorstep, sloppy messes add up fast, especially if you find yourself easily distracted by the mysterious sounds of children crying. Stash plenty of old rags around your house for a quick sweep of computer parts or human remains before they become too overwhelming when you hear your local constable whistling up your walkway.
Which brings us to the next suggestion...
3) Burn Stuff
Why contribute to the growing garbage pile that is our mother earth? If you burn it, the atmosphere will take over responsibility for distributing that trash in a much less noticeable way.
Plus, you can say bye-bye to any annoying traces of DNA from your nightly murder routine. Who needs to worry about that!
4) Release Any Earthly Possessions (that you haven’t already burned)
Open your doors and windows. Yell outside that you have lots of stuff, and anyone is welcome to take what they want. It could help if you put an ad in the paper in the “Free Crap” section, so that you are guaranteed to release ALL of your earthly possessions. Even important photos of loved ones. You must let it all go. You are not allowed to keep any of them.
Walk down the block, and encourage your neighbors to come and take whatever suits them. Then, while they’re rummaging through your family heirlooms, you can preach to them about decluttering, too.
Over time, you can build an army that aggressively makes every house in the subdivision declutter, until all the appliances, toys, furniture, clothes, photos, and junky knick-knacks lay in a pile of burning rubble on the last hold-out house that refuses to declutter.
Trust me. You’ll be glad you did. It may seem painful at first, but eventually, you will all have no choice but to live a decluttered existence. In fact, this is my last blog post because I’m about to throw my laptop out the window. Huzzah!
5) Sell Your House
You don’t need all that space now, do you? Are you sure? Look at those walls around you. It’s all just termite food. Ditch it. It’s a sellers market.
Money is a source of unhappiness, as well. Send the proceeds of your home sale to Existential Yo-Yo LLC, and join the elite and super-secret Declutter-ati!
6) Free Yourself and Let Go Once and For All
Now that you’re clutter-free and dirt-poor, it’s time to move onto the spiritual plane. Don’t overthink it. Jump out in front of a speeding car.
You’ll be doing the driver a favor. When they see your blood spattered all over their windshield and bits of your flesh stuck to the front grill, they’ll realize they don’t need that messy, bloody car. They’ll start decluttering, too! Win win!
You will finally be free to float through space and time, with your body decluttered from your soul, occasionally haunting people for fun as a ghost. Boo!
If you find these techniques helpful, send us a message to let us know. If you have made all through step 6, you can reach us via our personal medium Wanda Zmolensky.